J . M A I L

August Rush

August Rush - This Time

This month is anything but a rush. Last night when I posted I didn’t feel like writing much but now I think I do.

I have been awake all night and been thinking about a few things. I started to think back to last August and where I was emotionally and mentally back then. I felt so different back then. I thought I would be out of Guelph that following winter, I was excited for the next step while also wanting to stay in Guelph a bit longer due to having met what I thought at the time was my dream girl. I remember also feeling great all the time due to a mixture of hormones, ephedra, caffeine, steady sleep patterns, excitement, caloric restriction, and being more ripped then I had ever been in my life. It’s funny to me that was only a year ago. I can picture certain moments from last August with crystal clarity. It was a good time for me and that good time was a long time coming after two years of being down after my breakup at the start of grad school.

I was also thinking after not being able to write last night about how I once retorically asked in a blog post, “I wonder if when I am happy I will be able to write in the same way as I can now.” That question arose for me when I was in a different head space then I am now but it was a valid question and I think the answer is no although I don’t mean to say that I “happy” now. I am still working on getting there completely. I remember sad feelings lead to a lot more creativity, feelings of ideas that needed to be expressed, and descriptive thoughts that seemed to write themselves.

What does this mean for what I will be writing next August? Will I be “happy”, filled with excitment, feelings of contentment, or feelings of attraction? Thinking back to last August is interesting for me because it was a time of so much joy and pleasure but with perspective I know that those feeling came crashing down. Do I think back with amusement, joy, or sadness?

Getting back to writing about happiness, what does one write about? The feeling of happiness seems so vague. Joy often masks itself as happines and describing joy would just be me writing about events and things rather then feelings. Maybe I don’t know what it is like to write about happiness because I have never been to the opposite extreme of the downward wave I was on. I would like to be able to write about happiness but have no clue what form that writing would take. I don’t often see people write about happiness either so I guess I am not alone in my confusion.

I may not be rushing through August but I guess it is rushing past me. In doing so I am reminded that one small chance encounter could change my whole attitude. One small event, meeting, unexpected event could change everything and such a thing cannot be predicted. Last August I felt very fortunate, very lucky. I hope that that luck is at my back, that it rushes back soon, and that I don’t want to get anything off my mind.